Musings about music.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Life update

So, I don't normally talk about personal things in this blog, because my intention has always been for it to be only about music. In addition I tend to keep my private life very private and I don't often discuss it with anyone. That being said I haven't updated in two and a half weeks and I feel like an explaination is warranted. In addition sometimes I just feel better when I write things out.

Life is funny, not so much funny ha-ha, but funny strange. I wrote this tonight and I hope it more fully explains my recent absence. I will pick things back up soon I've just been... preoccupied.

Inoperable. The rest of the words blend together because they are long, and scientific, and I don’t fully understand them but that one stands out. Inoperable. In my thesaurus it’s adjectives are: not curable, terminal, fatal, deadly, permanent, untreatable, and grave. It is the word that means my dad is going to die. I mean, we’re all going to die, but he’s going to die soon. Sooner than I am ready for.

It was only 13 days ago that I spoke with my mother (for the first time in three years) and in our surprisingly nonchalant conversation she mentioned that she was worried about my step father because he had been very forgetful lately. She told me that he was putting off going to see a doctor until after their upcoming trip to Las Vegas. May 19th would be their 20th wedding anniversary and they had planned a trip to Las Vegas to renew their vows.

On Saturday, the 8th of May my parents were on their way to my step brother’s house. He and his new wife are expecting their first baby September. On the way there Dale got lost a couple of times. At first my mom thought it was just because the houses in the developments look similar and she didn’t think much of it.
When they went to leave that night Michael had to tie Dale’s shoes because he could not remember how to do it himself. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like for either of them. It makes me cry every time I think about it.

The next day my family spent Mother’s Day at my Grandfather Chuck’s house. They had a cookout and there were two tables set up. One of the tables held hot food items like burgers and hot dogs, and the other table had salads and desserts. When everyone was making their plates Dale just stopped and stood there at one table because he couldn’t figure out how to get to the other one.

At that point they told him that he had to go to the hospital. I didn’t know about this until later that night when my Grandma Bev called me and told me what had happened. While at the hospital they discovered a brain tumor near his frontal lobe that is about the size of a hard boiled chicken egg, cut in half.

Today, May 19, is the day my parents were supposed to be celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary, the day they were set to renew their vows. Instead they spent the morning in a hospital, seeing four doctors who each specialize in different things. The news is that my dad has a stage IV inoperable glioblastoma tumor. Tomorrow morning his doctor will do a biopsy to determine the best course of therapy. There will be radiation and chemotherapy.

The MRI today did "brain mapping", tomorrow they will use something similar to a GPS and a laser to take two or three samples of the tumor. Glioblastoma multiforme is most aggressive type of primary brain tumor in humans. For adults the median survival is about one year.

My biological father has been completely non-existent in my life. Dale is the only father I have ever known and he’s been in my life for the last 22 years. I don’t even know if I can put into words what I’m feeling. I am sad, and I am angry when there is no one to be angry at. I feel like I am going to puke and cry at the same time. I'm worried about my mom, and my two brothers who are closer to my family then I am. I feel irritated that I live so far away and that I'm not there with them during this time.

We will have to wait and see what the biopsy tells us but the outlook is not good. I am a terrible pessimist and I know this. I frequently fail to see the good in situations, and I’m simply not a very hopeful person. I don’t pray and I am not at all a religious person so when things like this happen I don’t have faith to fall back on, I only can hope that at some point I will understand why this is happening.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Maryanna Sokol - Landfill

Previously listed as an Artist To Watch on this blog Maryanna Sokol is releasing her first album, produced by Andrew Futral (Age Of Rockets).

I haven't gotten a chance to hear the whole thing yet but what I have heard is really wonderful, so head over to digstation and listen to some clips. Then buy it!!!

She will be playing her first official New York show this Thursday May 6th at Bar4 in Brooklyn. Katie Costello will also be playing that night, she's another artist I've been listening to a lot lately (in fact she's on my April playlist). So if you're local, stop by for a fantastic line-up!